Caregiver relationships are as complicated as everybody else’s.
Caregiving isn’t always sweet and sentimental.
What happens if you need to/are asked to care give someone who has hurt you deeply?
I met a woman at a book club once and her face revealed her suffering. She shared that her husband had late stage Parkinson’s and she was basically housebound and caring for him 24/7. She looked beyond exhausted.
She also shared that she probably should have left him years ago.
Sometimes we stay–for the kids–for the security.
Because we were too chicken to leave. Now it’s too late. We need to finish what we started.
I’ve lived long enough and have been married long enough to understand how very complicated things get.
My “book club” lady shared she really didn’t love him any more.
He had killed that long ago.
Many times relationships are mangled beyond repair.
Repeated infidelity. Addictions. Isolation and control. Verbal or physical abuse.
There are things we never tell anyone.
I’ve volunteered in shelters, counseled couples, and have found that the deepest hurts usually go unsaid.
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So why do it? Why care give someone who you simply can’t love any more?
Why stay when you may only have a few years left yourself?
Each person has to figure that out for themselves.
Sometimes it’s not that black and white.
Yes, there are hurts. And no, you don’t feel anything for that person, but you have your reasons. Maybe it’s in part how you need to see yourself.
So you stay.
How do you love someone who has hurt you?
- Don’t try to make yourself love them.
- Don’t feel guilty.
- Don’t try to look noble.
- Do what you can.
- Choose a path of integrity.
- Caregiving isn’t about the person who is ill, aged or infirmed. It’s about you.
- Decide who you want to be, regardless of them.
- Mentally and emotionally separate yourself. You’re still giving them good care.
- Trust your good heart.
- Practicing a faith can bring you deep comfort.
- Know that forgiveness can be as basic as wishing them no harm.
If you choose to stay, then stay on your terms.
It’s okay if you can’t do this–care give full time. You can choose to place them in a care facility. You’re still being responsible. You’re still watching out for them.
You don’t have to humiliate yourself and continue to be demeaned.
They chose their path. You choose yours.
Find your place of peace. Detach when you need to. Methodical caregiving can still be good caregiving.
Begin to nurture yourself. Your dreams.
Reward yourself for what you’ve chosen to do if you believe it’s the right thing to do.
Duty. Responsibility. Integrity.
These are important words our culture has all but forgotten.
Choose a higher path, and sometimes, that higher path is honoring “you.”
~I’m Carol D. O’Dell, the author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
www.mothering-mother.com
I’m Carol D. O’Dell, and I hope you’ll check out my book, Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir, available on Amazon
I Think I’m Depressed–
Have you had this thought but couldn’t say it out loud?
Caregiver depression doesn’t always look like depression.
That means it can go undiagnosed for a very long time.
Caregivers can’t (or don’t) stop. They don’t lock themselves in darkened bedrooms for days on end. They don’t necessarily cry or stop eating. They keep on caring for their loved ones. They suffer in silence.
So, what does caregiver depression look like? It can be tricky. It doesn’t manifest itself in the same way other people display depression.
What caregiver has the time to fall apart?
Conservative stats put caregiver depression 20%. That’s very conservative. I’d say it’s closer to 50%. It comes with the job. We’re dealing with disease, pain, and the end-of-life.
Depression doesn’t have to consume you, but I doubt there is one caregiver out there who isn’t touched by it.
Am I Depressed? Ask Yourself These Questions:
When is the last time you got your hair cut?
Have you gained more than ten or fifteen pounds this year?
Have you stopped calling friends? Do you think they’re sick of hearing you complain and what else do you have to talk about anyway?
Do you feel like all your energy has been drained out your big toe? Seriously, do your legs feel like they’re in cement?
Or…are you so antsy and anxious you can’t sit down? Are you afraid that if you start crying you’ll never stop? Do you feel like you could just crawl out of your skin?
Do you do nothing other than care give?
Fill in the blank: I used to ___________, but I just don’t want to, have the energy, or care about things like that any more.
Have you stopped decorating for the holidays or celebrating birthdays or other special days? Why bother, it’s just more work for me–attitude?
Do you find yourself zoning out–all the time? Can you not think anything through?
Do you get on crying jags and just can’t stop?
Are you stuck in negative thoughts, berating yourself mentally–for hours on end?
Are you waking yourself up with copious amounts of caffeine–or pills–and then forcing yourself to sleep with even more pills?
Do you feel (and look) 15 years or more older than you really are?
Do you feel hopeless? Do you feel you have zero options in your life–you can’t stop caregiving even if you wanted to?
Do you not even want to think about life after caregiving–because you don’t even know what you’d do with yourself?
Is sex a ridiculous concept and even the thought of it takes way too much energy?
Do you flip channels endlessly but never rent a movie or read a book all the way through?
Would a work colleague or old friend even recognize you now?
Are you an insomniac–after years of caregiving, sundowning, and middle-of-the night emergencies, do you find your sleep patterns all out of whack?
Have you ever thought about taking yourself–and your loved one “out of this world?”
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If you don’t answer “yes” to at least a few of these questions, I’d be surprised.
Caregiving is hard on the body, spirit, and relationships. These signs of stress and depression are common–for anyone, but especially for caregivers. But it’s the severity in which you experience these symptoms. Every day, all day long, the vortex of negative thoughts never ending…
Men are vulnerable in different ways.
They don’t always have the friends and support system that would allow them to let off steam.
They relied on their wives and family members to talk to, feel close to, and if their wife is the person who needs their care, is no longer their companion in the sense the person they communicate with the most–then these men are truly isolated. They may drink too much, flip channels, pull in to the point to where no one knows how bad it is.
Some men take it too far–if their loved one is dying (or they perceive they are), or in sever pain, they might come to the conclusion that it would be best if they both “leave this world” at the same time.
The statistics for elder murder-suicide are startling.
Florida has the highest incident, and one all too common situation is that of the husband whose wife has Alzheimer’s, and he can’t continue to care for her. There’s usually a gun involved.
This is a tragedy–for families and for society. We have to find a way to reach people, to let them know they’re not alone. There are options.
How do you know if the stress and depression has gone too far?
You probably know in your gut. You know how much you’re fooling others. You know how much weight you’ve gained or lost, how little sleep you’re getting, the last time you talked to anyone outside the house. You know how many times you’ve reached for that bottle.
Are drugs the only answer?
In today’s pharmaceutical world, the first thing a doctor is going to recommend is an anti-depressant.
But know that anti-depressants come with some risk.
These are helpful, and when needed, a god-send. But it won’t address the root of the problem.
You need friends, a community, a network. Caregiver supports groups can be a life-line.
You may need a professional to talk to–someone who will listen and ask questions, who will help you make a plan. This may be in conjunction with medications.
If anti-depressants are a good choice for you and your situation, then take them properly and give them time to work. Also, think of this as a part of your health plan, and keep in mind that you will eventually want to wean yourself off these power medications.
Lots of Ideas to Help Ease Depression:
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Get the junk food out of the house–sugar highs and lows can really whack you out
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Get the guns out of the house! Why risk it? Sell the thing, donate it to the local police.
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If you’re having a problem with alcohol, get rid of it. You can live without it if it’s proving to be a detriment.
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Join a caregiver support group. Get into a healthy one–a place where people can share openly, but also a place that is positive
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Get out of the house just for you! Plan one outing this month–go to the zoo, call an old friend, make a hair appointment. Start small.
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Journal, meditate, stretch–give outlet to those thoughts
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Walk. Nothing is more healing and takes less time and equipment for phenomenal results. Start with a 15, 20 minute walk. Do it religiously. Don’t wait until you feel like it. Do it like you’re taking a pill. Force yourself if you have to. Don’t worry about walking fast at first, or dressing right, just get out the front door and shuffle down the street. You can leave your loved one locked in the house for 15 minutes. If you can’t, ask a neighbor to come watch TV in your house for that long.
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Wean off the sleeping aids. This may take awhile. Go slow, take less, but at least monitor that you’re not increasing the dosage.
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Get angry! Depression is oftentimes anger imploded. Go outside and throw some old glasses against the side of your house. See if it feels good. Go out to your car, shut the doors, roll up the windows and scream your head off.
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Go to the doctor and get a prescription if you really need it–then take it–get rechecked and make sure you’re taking something that’s working for you. It may take you a couple of months to hit upon the right dosage/medication.
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If you’re having dangerous thoughts, tell someone. People will understand. You will find compassion.
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Watch out for physical signs. We can so ignore our health needs that we have a real physical condition we’ve ignored. You might not be depressed–you might be sick! The good news is, you can get well–so check with your doctor and at least get that over-due physical.
Important to Consider:
It’s okay if you can’t be a full-time caregiver any more.
Quit. Place your loved one in a care facility. God will not hate you, and if your loved ones hate you, then tell them to come do some non-stop, full-time caregiving!
Sometimes we just hit a brick wall. Cry, and then let go. It’s okay.
As dark and scary as depression can be, it’s our heart’s and body’s way of asking us to deal with something.
Depression can be an ironic gift that leads you to a better life.
~Carol O’Dell
Family Advisor at Caring.com
