How to Talk To Your Doctor: Getting What You Want and Need, for Caregivers and Families

Most of us pine for the days when we had home town doc who delivered us, knows everything about us–and cared that we stay alive. Not that most ever had that–but it sure sounds good, doesn’t it? As a caregiver to my mom who had Parkinson’s, heart disease, and Alzheimer’s, trust me, I’ve spent a whole lot of time in the doctor’s offices. I’ve gone round and round trying to get them to understand not only what my mom needed, but what I could handle.

I did a little research on-line to find out various ways to find a good doctor, and here’s what I uncovered.

What to look for in a good doctor:

Communication Tips for Working Effectively With Your Doctor and Staff:

• Repeat over and over: I am 100% responsible for my life. (And if you’re a caregiver, then you’re also responsible for someone else’s). Don’t leave your medical issues completely in someone else’s hands, even if those hands are attached to a physician. You should know what medications you’re on, what course of treatments you’ve agreed to–at all times.
• Chat with the staff and get to know them. Bribe them with a tin of chocolate popcorn or stop by near a holiday with a coupon to a local restaurant or coffee shop. Hey, it’s hard to resist someone who takes an interest in you, and that’s exactly what you’re doing for them. Ask about the picture of their kids, and use their name when you’re talking with them. This is just being considerate, but it comes in handy when you’ve got an earache and you call begging to be seen that day.
• Start out your relationship with your doctor by shaking hands (dressed), and looking him/her in the eye. Let them know that you’re an equal. You hold a job in your community (or you did if you were retired), and that you are intelligent and articulate. Without being bossy or demanding, let him/her know that you are expecting to be treated in a warm and professional manner.
• Go to the doctor’s office in a good mood! Be a sunshine to others around you. Be on time, don’t gripe about the little things, joke around with the staff–and watch how differently you’re treated. Take your knitting or your favorite magazine and get to know the person you’re sitting next to. Life is happening everywhere–even doctor’s offices.
• Write your questions down and keep them brief–but make sure you go home with answers. Also write down their answers or directions. Don’t expect their directions to make sense–put it in your own words and have a clear plan of action you can follow when you leave the doctor’’s office.
• Do your homework–go on the Internet, check out your condition and possible drugs, treatments, symptoms, and side effects. While some doctors find this annoying or intimidating, others (most) will be less likely to treat you like a two-year old. Don’t act like a know-it-all, but do be informed.
• If you don’t feel you’re being heard, then be clear. Ask a pointed question and make sure you get an answer. You have a right to know what’s going on. Start out asking in a firm and clear manner, but don’t give up. Restate the question and ask again.
•  Medicine has sadly become entwined with the pharmaceutical industry and we forget that there are other alternatives and compliments to drug therapy. Let them know what kind of patient you are, and state what types of treatments you’ll consider–or won’t consider.
• Consider holistic medicine as a complement to your main physician. Have you tried accupuncture for aiding in quitting smoking? Or for arthritis? Eastern based practices are now more mainstream than ever, and many of their benefits have been documented.
• Balance your caregiving responsibilities with the rest of your life. As hard as it is, we can’t center our life around one person–as a mother, daughter, wife, and woman I had to constantly weigh what was best with everyone. Some medical advice would keep you in a perpetual state of hospitals, doctor visits, and medical care and leave you no time for anything else. As difficult as it is to face, sometimes you have to say no.
• Write down your prescriptions and dosage and keep it in your wallet at all times. Don’t rely on the doctor or his chart–and realize that if you see more than one doctor and they’re not aware of the other’s medications, you could potentially have some serious drug interactions.
• Speak up if there’s error. It happens all the time. Dosages get written down incorrectly. The doctor orders another round of chemo and you don’t want it–or you can’t take that amount–or your insurance won’t pay for a particular treatment. Don’t get upset, but do speak up–remember that 100% responsible for your own life mantra I mentioned earlier. .”

My last bit of advice: Say thank you when you leave. Shake the doctor’s hands, and even if he or his staff act rushed or inconsiderate, then make it a point to show them how to be considerate. The amazing Maya Angelou said, “We teach people how to treat us.”

Caregivers have the added responsibility for being the health advocate for others. Take the initiative and draw the best out of those around you. Be responsible for yourself and those you care for. Have a goal, cultivate positive attitude and a spirit of gratitude. Generally, we get what we ask for, so be sure to state clearly what you want and need from the medical community.

~Carol D. O’Dell

Author, Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

I’m Not Sure I Want to Attend a Caregiver’s Support Group

Move Over Michelle, Mama’s in the House: The Obamas Are a Multigenerational Family

Move over, Michelle Obama, cause Mama’s in the house.

That’s right, Michelle Obama’s mother is moving into the White House.

People used to live together under one roof out of necessity–to run the farm, to continue the family business. In fact, it’s on the rise.

More than 3.6 million parents lived with adult children in 2007, according to census data. That number is up 67 percent from 2000. And in the new economic light, more and more families are choosing to “bunk up” to save on expenses, and as a necessity for those who have lost their jobs.

 

Marian Robinson, Michelle’s mother quit her job 22 months ago to help care for the Obama girls while Michelle and Barack started campaigning. She’s now 71 and a retired secretary and she’s moving into the White House on a “trial basis” before giving up her home in Chicago. While the presidential campaign was underway, Ms. Robinson cooked the girl’s meals, shuffled them to their various activities, helped with homework and kissed them goodnight. That’s a big job, but it was for a big reason.

That’s something I admire–a family that figures out how to care for one another and when it’s the appropriate time to do so. I’m not too worried how she’ll be treated a few years from now when she needs elder-care or caregiving. She’s invested in her family, and love is almost always returned.

The White House will be full again, with a father, mother, two children, a grandmother, and a dog. I like the idea of those old rooms bustling with the sound of feet running up and down the halls, of a grandmother’s stern call to order and the yelp of a dog.

Somehow, we got away from that in my generation. We got independent, perhaps too independent thinking that money would be enough–or as my southern daddy would say, “We got too big for our britches.”

 

My adoptive mother grew up in a multigenerational house. She was surrounded by aunts and uncles (her mother was divorced and raising two children on her own in the 1910’s). My mother’s memories are good ones. A large table with lots of food and conversation. She said she felt as if she had many mothers, not just one–and it helped that her mother could work full time and her two children had someone at home.

Times haven’t changed that much. Marian Robinson is an example of millions of grandmother’s who are either raising or helping to raise grandchildren. We need each other. We need our mothers and fathers to be a part of their grandchidren’s lives. That’s how values and stories get passed down.

From all I’ve read, Marian Robinson is going to be a busy woman. She’s noted for her independence and will only stay if she’s needed. She may even purchase a home nearby just so she has some privacy and doesn’t have to deal with the day to day fuss life in politics entails. She’s no where near slowing down and has recentlycompeted in the Senior Games running the 50 and 100 yard dash. No matter where she chooses to sleep, she’ll be an active part of the Obama household and everyone will benefit from that.

It’s not that her value as a grandmother is in throwing in a load of laundry or chauffeuring the girls around, it’s that the children will be influenced by her wisdom and will have that sense of family and continuity that’s so important. It’s easy to caught up in the “doing” and not the “being.”  The most valuable gift our elders have to offer is simply who they are–a part of us. Their life, their experiences, their stories shape and define future generations.

I have seen families take advantage of their elders–used them as free babysitters–and that’s not healthy for anyone. Sometimes we have to say, “No, not tonight, I have plans.”

 

As my mother moved in with my husband, our daughters and myself, I knew I had to strike a balance. My mother had to fit into our home, and in return, I (we) needed to treat her with respect and privacy. These are the concerns multigenerational families face. You don’t know exactly what your issues are going to be until you’re there, all living together. One person becomes needy, another bossy–someone needs more privacy than another, and…somebody always gets jealous. It’s just human nature and no matter how old we are, we still get jealous or needy at times.

My mother was always a part of our lives, and I’m so grateful that even though she was an older grandmother (she was 74 when her first granddaughter was born), she got right to being an active grandmother. She used to come over and get our girls and take them for an overnight stay as soon as they were out of diapers. They remember going to eat breakfast at Shoney’s with my mom and how proud she was showing them off to anyone who walked by, and then going to K Mart to hold the dolls. She’d buy them something small and even though these times weren’t fancy, they were just enough to begin to build a relationship–and memories. Our daughters remember my mother’s songs, her prayers and Bible stories, her stories–and even her quirks, her humor, her fears–everything that made her a whole person. So when it came time for my mother to move in with us, they expected it. In many ways, she was already a part of our lives.

Just the other day, our 21 year old daughter said she was glad her grandmother lived with us. That’s saying a lot, because she was there through it all, the Alzheimer’s, the heart attacks, and the end of life. She’s now able to measure the whole of the experience and not just focus on a particularly dark time.

Getting used to living together and under such scrutiny is bound to cause some nerves to be razzled. Just as with any family, it takes time to learn to live together. But it’s worth it. There are times when we need each other, and that’s the best definition of what makes a family that I can think of.

What I wish for the Obama’s is that everyone will be patient and understanding with one another during this time of change. My advice, if I may offer a little–be quick to forgive, laugh at your mistakes, value your togetherness, and to respect and appreciate each other’s differences.

In the end, the Obama girls will be surrounded by family, by legacy, and by love.

~Carol O’Dell, author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

Familly advisor at Caring.com

Have You Taken Caregiving Too Far For Your Own Good?

I was recently at an event where a woman received the caregiver of the year award for her community.

Her daughter wrote a lovely letter about all her mother did for her mother.

The list started at about 5am and ended about midnight–with frequent middle of the night interruptions as well. The list went on and on. Daily baths, attention paid to her mother’s nails, lotions, pulling chin hairs…on and on and on. She got a standing ovation, but my heart ached for her. She was in her early 50s and looked in her late 70s. She was smiling but looked as if life had beat her with a crowbar.

It sounds vailiant. And it is, in some ways, but caregiving can be taken to the max–it isn’t so good for you–or even your care receiver.

You have to give your loved ones their daily medication.

You have to take them to the doctors.

You have to bathe and them and change their clothes.

Right?

And yes–you do. But are you caregiving too well?

What do I mean?

You can become obsessed with caregiivng and use it to avoid other aspects of your own life.

You can ruin your health and your relationships on this noble “holy grail.”

I’m a big proponent of family caregiving, but some cultures are so tightly bound to a sense of duty that people (particularly women) have few options and caregiving becomes a noose that’s winds up snuffing out lives and dreams. 

And let’s face it, we bring our entire family history into our caregiving roles. OUr past experiences are like a bowl full of fish hooks–you can’t pull up just one without getting a whole mess of them.

Was your mother/father/spouse controlling?

Did you feel as if you could never totally please them?

Carol Bradley Bursack who writes a great blog at www.MindingOurElders.com reminded me that deep down we (all of us whether we consider ourselves obsessive-compulsive or not) struggle to achieve our parents love. We try to “earn” their blessing when in truth, we need to give ourselves our own deep sense of love, mercy, and acceptance.

No one can ever give to you what you need to give to yourself.

You can use caregiving:

to avoid your marriage

your health

your financial setbacks

your relationships with your own children or relatives.

You can use caregiving and family duties to avoid:

going to work, building a career

returning to school

or finding a mate

You husband or wife, mother or father can become your “living doll.”

Don’t be embarrassed. It’s easy to do.

You may even have a natural propensity toward being a nurturer, and you’ve become “good” at caring. Too good. (This applies to men and women–men like to feel needed too). Being a parents for 20+ years–or not having the opportunity to parents can also contribute to a deep sense of needing to be needed, to belong and connect, to be good at something.

How do you know if you’re obsessed with caregiving?

• Your caregiving duties continue to increase–more baths, more attention to detail.
• You tell yourself it’s necessary, but others seem to question you.
• You are an expert in your loved one’s illness but are ignoring your own body’s warning signs.
• You haven’t taken a day off in months.
• Your other relationships are dwindling.
• You feel as if you have nothing in common with the outside world.
• You constantly think, “they don’t understand.”
• You take a deep sense of pride when someone says you’re a great daughter/son/caregiver–and you actually try to create situations (subconsciously) where someone would be prompted to say this.
• You never sit down because there’s always something to do.
• You’re getting less than 5-6 hours sleep a night on a regular basis.
• You fear when your loved one dies and almost feel frantic at the thought of wide open days with no one to pick up after, watch, feed, or medicate.

I know, this just sounds like normal caregiving! What’s the difference?

It’s more about intensity, urgency, and an underlying, almost imperceptible sense of fear–you’ll be found out, your loved one will “die on your watch,” they’ll take your mom from you, you’ll have to put her “in one of those places.”

***

What’s your unsaid driving force?

Fill in the blank…”I’m afraid that if I don’t ________, that __________will happen–and it’ll be my fault.”

*****

Now, be rational. Talk to yourself as if you were your best friend. Is this really true? Wouldn’t you (your best friend you) cut you a little slack?

There were times when I did get this sort of sick sense of pride that I was the “best caregiver in the world,” while underneath I felt like a sham–and in reality I felt like I never could do enough. I never could “fix” or manage my life.

Alzheimer’s really does a number on you–you feel like you owe it to your loved one to do everything you can for them–that this is such a horrible, horrific disease that you want to counter it in some way, but you can’t.

I had many arguments: ”If I’m going to do something, I might as well do it well. This is where God wants me and needs me. She’s my mother–and wasn’t this the right thing to do? Any of these sound familiar?

I couldn’t help it that my caregiving duties never ended.

I also know there are some of you out there who say you’re a perfectionist–you can’t stand a mess. You can’t relax until everything done and cleaned up.

Really? If that were the case, then I could never relax because I’m not sure I’ve ever been “caught up” even once in my entire life?

It’s funny that we call that being a perfectionist.

I’ve changed that word in my mind to mean something different.

A perfectionist sees the “perfect” and the good in everyone and everything that sounds me.

I came across this mindset in a book by life coach and inspirational speaker, Allen Cohen.

This is who I choose to be–and how I choose to see the world. (It’s a work in progress and a daily, moment to moment choice).

Sometimes you just have to let the chaos rule!

No, an adult doesn’t have to have a full bath every day.

It’s okay to have a frozen meal, pizza, or eggs for dinner.

It’s okay if your there are dishes in your sink when you go to bed at night.

It’s okay to take a day–or (gasp) a weekend off and arrange for respite care.

It’s okay to sign up for a class once a week.

It’s okay to call and invite a friend to lunch.

It’s okay if you don’t take your loved one to follow up doctor appointments–just for a recheck.

It’s okay to notice that there are areas of caregiving that you might have taken too far.

Laugh! Take a deep breath, and make a new choice. Find the perfect in the imperfect.

You won’t be able to turn off your caregiving gene, but with some forethought, you can learn to balance out the needs of your loved one–and still find time to build a life outside of caregiving. You will begin to value the few moments you give yourself and look forward to taking a class, or even taking a walk.

~Carol O’Dell, author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

Caregivers Do More Than Just Provide Care

By Ryan L Malone

In an assisted living environment, caregivers are often thought of only as “hired help.”  In fact, both short and long-term relationships with caregivers offer benefits far exceeding assistance with daily living.

The acceptance that caregivers are play an important role in the daily happiness of both the patient and family can lead to a far more positive assisted living experience.

For residents, caregivers play a number of different roles, including:

A friend. Just like having a roommate, the caregiver and your loved one will spend a lot of time together. And just like a roommate, a caregiver and your loved one can become great friends (or not, but that’s a different discussion). The resident and caregiver have become very good friends, going to events together, watching movies together and chatting like good friends do. At many times, the “caregiver” side of their relationship is minimized, and they are friends. This is a good thing!

A listener. The transition to assisted living can be difficult for many people. It was especially difficult for many to move from being so independent to becoming so dependent. Caregivers can be great listeners and counselors. In many cases, their experience gives them a far greater understanding of these challenges than you, and they can be a great resource for your loved one to talk through the issues.

A cheerleader. It can be tough to get motivated for the activities of the day, physical or occupational therapy or just to get out of pajamas in the morning. It’s often tough for all of us. Caregivers can serve as a great cheerleader, giving pep talks when necessary to get out and enjoy the activities of the day.

A big brother or sister. Often in assisted living, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. A caregiver can be the first line of defense to ensure your loved one gets what they need, when they need it.

For families, caregivers can play a whole different set of important roles, including:

Your eyes and ears. While I am lucky enough to live close to my mom, many families live far away from their loved ones. A caregiver can be your eyes and ears about general care, food, services, activities and all the other daily things. They can also share with you the reality of things, as sometimes situations can get exaggerated. Being defensive as we are, it’s good to get both sides of the story before you approach management with a complaint. Example: sometimes residents think their kids are overprotective, but if they stay in touch with the caregiver, they can ensure things are okay while at the same time giving the resident his/her space.

A concierge. It takes a lot of coordination to get your loved one to activities, doctor appointments, beauty appointments, therapy, etc. Each one of these things requires phone calls, follow up, etc. A caregiver can help to off-load much of these from you and help manage your loved ones daily weekly and monthly calendar.

An influencer. As close as you may be with your loved one, there will always be certain topics or issues in which your opinions are not appreciated. Example: Many residents hate going to the doctor. No matter what family members say, residents can often gets defensive and and refuse to be convinced that a doctor visit is required. Because of their own experiences, they may have an aversion for doctors and hospitals. A caregiver can be an alternative communication channel, based on a different type of trust and many of the roles above, and they can be effective at helping to open them up to a different point of view.

There are more, but these are the big ones and certainly enough to get you thinking.

While it may take a while to find the right caregiver, interviewing and evaluating caregivers on more than just their ability to provide care can be beneficial.

Ryan Malone is the editor of the blog “Inside Assisted Living.” The blog focuses on assisting families who are considering assisted living for a loved one. Ryan currently has a family member in assisted living and takes an active role in her care and well-being. You can get more information at ( http://www.InsideAssistedLiving.com).

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Ryan_L_Malone http://EzineArticles.com/?Caregivers-Do-More-Than-Just-Provide-Care&id=1380579

Family Caregivers Loss of Independence

By Martha Paulson

Today, every six seconds someone turns 62. Makes you stop and think, doesn’t it? As more and more aging adults start to retire, families at one point have to take on the responsibility of care for a loved one. When you have your own family to worry about, the added responsibility can become overwhelming. Playing the role of caregiver can have adverse changes on everyone who enlists that into their own life. Whether it is the spouse, daughter or son of the ailing parent, becoming a caregiver will have a lasting effect on a person’s life. Families should remember that not only is the individual that needs care less independent, but most important so is the caregiver. Family members that provide care for a loved one loose as much of their independence as well. It is important to keep a close watch on the caregiver. Offer assistance as much as possible.

Watch for signs of depression. Do not let the person isolate themselves. Since some people have a harder time of asking for help, make sure they are aware that help is always available. Try to understand their position. Put yourself in their shoes. Could you handle that responsiblity alone? In our busy lives, we tend to ignore how someone may be feeling.

Ensure them that your are there for them. Give them much needed breaks to regain their sanity. Family caregivers sometimes neglect themselves, do not get enough rest, and may not eat properly. They may start to feel overwhelmed with the added responsibility.

Have a family meeting. Place one family member in charge of being aware monthly of who will provide what and discuss who would like to pitch in their time or can provide a gift certificate. Offer to prepare a meal. Assist with lawn care or hire a service. Do the grocery shopping or help them order their groceries on line through Peapod, a wonderful service which will deliver their groceries to their door and bring them in. Give them a gift certificate for someone to come and clean their home or provide laundry service. The possibilities are endless when you make the effort. Close family members can provide sitter services to replace the caregiver at least once a week. Don’t always ask, just do it. Lightening the burden for the family caregiver will be the best gift you can give. Remember, family caregivers do not get a vacation.

Support from family and friends can make a huge difference on the caregivers spirit. Just knowing someone is there makes a world of difference. Through this kind of support families can become stronger and develop good relationships. Remember that one day you may be the family caregiver.

Martha Paulson Specializing in providing assistance for you or your loved one to help maintain an independent quality of life in the comfort of your own home. Free in-home hairdresser and manicure services provided to our clients for their convenience. Located in Round Lake, Il Tailored to every aspect of your needs. To request a no-obligation free in-home consultation visit us at http://www.heartsofgoldhomecare.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Martha_Paulson http://EzineArticles.com/?Family-Caregivers-Loss-of-Independence&id=1321246