If there’s one thing we could all use a little more of, it’s mercy.
Caregivers are notoriously hard on themselves. I know, I was my own worst judge.
Caregiving isn’t easy. It’s relentless, and you can’t get it all “right.”
You can’t go on three hours sleep, physically lift another human being from the bed to a potty chair, dress them, feed them, give them their morning meds, load them in a car, drive them to the doctors, fight with the doctors, beg for proper treatment and medicine, head to the pharmacy (for them not to have what you need), stop by the store, come home and fix dinner, bathe your loved one, dispense more medicine, be pleasant to a spouse, your kids, your dog, and fall in bed at midnight only to woken up at 2am–
and still be nice!
No way!
Not day after day.
Many of my days of caring for my mom was just like that–one thing after another–physical and emotional worries, non-stop care mixed in with aspects of my own dwindling life, and yeah…I messed up all the time.
Every day, I’d say the wrong thing, hurt someone’s feelings, show up late or forget something important…
And you know what? Five years later–after my mom has passed away–and I can now look back and be okay with my caregiving, with our relationship–with me and realize that I still did a pretty good job. I loved my mom, my family, and I did the best I could. And that’s good enough.
You can’t have a long term real relationship and not have lots of foibles–misunderstandings, hurts, resentments, aggravations, you-weren’t-there-for-me, and back-off moments. Lots.
Forgiveness is like butter to dry bread. It smooth and comforting and makes life palatable.
The word mercy means:
1. Compassionate treatment, especially of those under one’s power; clemency.
2. A disposition to be kind and forgiving: a heart full of mercy.
3. Something for which to be thankful; a blessing: It was a mercy that no one was hurt.
4. Alleviation of distress; relief: Taking in the refugees was an act of mercy.
Giving yourself mercy means:
- you treat yourself with compassion
- you are kind to yourself and offer forgiveness when needed
- you are grateful for this experience and your choice to participate in caring for another
- and all this–leads to less stress! A sense of peace
I need mercy every day, and now I realize I’m the only one who has the power to give it.
The Psalmist David used the word mercy 128 times in the book of Psalms–to either describe God or ask for his loving mercy. Today, mercy is used in so many scenarios that I wonder if we’ve forgotten that it isn’t something to be used to get out of trouble (mercy/clemency, mercy killing, have mercy on my soul, mercy me!) but its deeper root is meant to make peace with yourself.
If I can’t accept my own missteps, then how can I ever expect anyone else to offer me one ounce of acceptance? How can I extend mercy to others unless I first cultivate it in my own heart toward “me?”
I’ve decided to write MERCY on three index cards and keep them in my pocket.
I carry them around with me–and if I screw up, I give myself a mercy card.
I can also mentally offer those I love a mercy card when they screw up.
Years ago, my husband and I decided that if either of us locked our keys in the car, had a fender bender, or the countless other little mess-ups that occur–things you certainly don’t mean to do, that we’d kindly offer our help and support and not give each other a hard time about it. Nobody wants to have to call someone to bring them a set of keys or tell them they crunched somebody’s bumper. We just knew that we didn’t want to be in a marriage where we had to fight or belittle the person we loved over “accidents.”
A couple of months ago, my husband went fishing with a friend. He got to the marina and realized he forgot his fishing license. I got the call (at about 6:30 am on a Sunday), got dressed and drove 20 minutes to give him his wallet. I handed it to him, kissed him good bye (I was still in my pjs) and hopped back in the car.
Later, my husband told me that his friend couldn’t believe I didn’t chew him out for making me bring him his wallet. (He didn’t make me–I chose to) Because of our agreement to give each other a break, my husband could go on and enjoy his day and not beat himself up for ruining a long-planned-for fishing trip–or for inconveniencing me. It was a gift.
Who needs more guilt added to their plate?
Besides, I’ve screwed up so many times–big and little–that it’s just best not to keep count. I don’t want a tit-for-tat marriage.
Caregivers, especially need mercy. Those who deal with the day-to-day issues of Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, heart disease, strokes, cancer, and many other debilitating conditions deserve an extra dose.
If you yelled, snapped back, grabbed their arm a bit too rough, was impatient, testy, forgot something important, or said something really callous–say you’re sorry, mean it, and then let it go.
You have a good heart.
You’re just overwhelmed, exhausted, irritated, and hurt. That doesn’t make you a bad person.
If I learned anything in the years of living and writing Mothering Mother, it’s that forgiveness, aka mercy, is so needed–and appreciated by all. After awhile, this gift of mercy has a wonderful and surprising effect:
You begin to offer people mercy when they don’t even ask for it, maybe don’t even deserve it.
Why? Because giving and receiving mercy feels good. Remember–less stress? It become a habit, and by offering mercy, not even in the form of words, but in attitude and demeanor, you diffuse the situation.
Hurt, resentment, bitterness loses its power when mercy is offered.
It’s not that you’re trying to be a goodie, goodie, pious person who thinks they’re perfect and/or is trying to make an impression. Practicing mercy will eventually become a way of life. It feels good and we humans tend to like to repeat experiences that make us feel good-and you never know when you’ll need to offer it to yourself because I can promise you’ll (I’ll) never stop screwing up! Consider it karma–or as my Mama used to put it, “What goes round, comes round.” (Southern karma)
This isn’t about becoming saintly. I’ve learned that I can be selfish, petty, and greedy at the drop of a hat. I don’t know if I’ll ever control all my demons, but that’s not the point. Why would I ever not want to need mercy?
Don’t wait–make those index cards and keep them close at hand. Offer yourself and your loved ones a little bit of mercy.
~Carol D. O’Dell
author of Mothering Mother
available on Amazon and in most bookstores.
Tags: Alzheimers, blog, book, caregiving, Caring.com, Carol D. O'Dell, contributing author, forgiveness, grief and loss, inspirational essay, mercy, Mothering Mother, Open to Hope
If you’re a caregiver/son, daughter, please read this post.
You need to put yourself in their shoes.
But I don’t want to live with my adult children!
Me neither.
(And I wrote the book, Mothering Mother–and my mom lived with me the last (almost) three years of her life!) That’s my point–my mother lived on her own–with Parkinson’s and early dementia until she was 89 years old!
We’ll all be in this predicament one day–if we live that long–so we need to be empathetic.
My kids are grown, responsible, and we all love each other–and I still don’t relish the thought of permanently living with them! I am a big proponent of family caregiving–but do it when the time is right.
No one wants to give up their independence.
We like things our way, our household “rules,” TV shows, and favorite laundry detergent. Seemingly insignificant choices give us a sense of autonomy and joy to every day life.
We also don’t want to be a burden. I hear this a lot. I feel it on a personal level, but know that when it’s necessary–cancer, end of life, when it’s really needed, then it’s not a burden. It’s a priveledge–
Ad you still have much to give.
Encouragement, humor, appreciation, family togetherness is a rare and precious gift and should not be under-ppreciated.
I feel priveledged to have children. And I know if/when I have to, we would all do our best to make it work. I’m grateful I have the option if I needed it.
There are many people who do not have children. Or their children are not able or willing to help.
No time for a pity party. Get busy! Use this as a catalyst to get busy doing just that–planning your life–for quality and purpose.
If you don’t want to live in a care facility (prematurely, and hopefully never) or with someone else–family member or not, then I (and you) better have a plan.
Note: Decide today to be okay how your life turns out–either way. Who knows what will happen?
Have you heard of the aging in place movement?
This July AARP released a new report citing that 87% of people with disabilities age 50 and older want to receive long-term care (LTC) services in their own homes.
The National Aging in Place Organization is about collaboration and education to live at home as long as possible.
Aging in Place includes building/altering your home so that you can stay there safely as long as possible.
It might also include a ramp, ample doorways and bathrooms for wheelchair accommodation, safe flooring, and even a space for live-in care. It’s up to each individual to make these arrangements to suit (by anticipating) their needs. This term is also loosely used to help individuals begin to plan for their future in terms of how and where they want to live as life progresses.
Aging in place might even include moving so that you are living in an area where retirement and aging is not only enjoyable, but that you also have ample resources within your community for the care you might need.
Or…it might include living close enough to your adult children so that they can easily check on you and manage your care without having to live with you. ( I know of three families in our neighborhood whose mothers/parents also live in another house in the neighborhood).
Recently, after Tropical Storm Faye, I saw one of the son-in-laws picking up debris out of his mother-in-law’s yard. At least he didn’t have to drive an hour or two to do this little chore–or worry about someone charging her an exorbitant price for a job that took less than an hour.
How to Arrange Your Life So That You Can Live at Home Longer:
(consider one or more of the following suggestions)
- Move your bedroom on the first/main floor
- Do a computer search or call your council on aging and get a list of all your community’s resources now. Don’t wait until you need help to start this process.
- Consider redoing your main bath to accommodate a wheelchair/walker–and make your shower easy to get in and out of
- If your spouse has passed away, consider a roommate. Finish a garage or basement if you’d like it to be more private and separate. This $10-20,000 investment (if it’s done well) could give you added years at home–you could even trade rent for care.
- Be sure that if you choose to do this that you both sign a contract for renting, you get driver’s license info, run a background check and never ever give them access or personal/financial information.
- Even though there are risks involved, having someone live with you or on your property can provide a certain sense of security, companionship, and allow you to stay home much longer than living alone.
- Consider an alarm system if you feel you live in an area where you’re vulnerable to break-ins. Check with your local police to see if this is a common occurance. Elders can be targets for easy crimes.
- Don’t blab to every cable and lawn guy that you live alone. Always act like your son/nephew is in the house, coming home, on the phone. Even if you don’t have one–never let others think you’re always alone. Don’t be an easy target!
- Consider “the button,” a moniteringdeviceyou wear in case you fall. There are systems that will call and check on you morning and night (of course, you pay extra for this), but it might give you and those who love you a peace of mind to know that you can call for help at any time.
- Wear the thing! My mom was terrible about leaving it on a piece of clothing she wasn’t wearing, forgetting where it was–and caregivers, family members–if your loved one has memory loss, this may not help them. They won’t necessarily remember they have “the button” on, or even what it’s for!
- Get rid of clutter now! Clutter can cause you to fall and gets to be a real hassle for those caring for you. Don’t leave this to your family to do later–give those sentimental items to your family members now so that you can see the joy on their face when they use their grandmother’s dishes or wear a family heirloom piece of jewelry
- Gather all your important documents–insurance info, cards, prescriptions, life insurance, house insurance and living will. Place these items in a portable box and let your loved ones know where it is–for easy access.
- Do that living will now–don’t make your loved ones have to guess or fight over whether you’d want to be put on a ventilator or not. Be clear. Make several copies and give them to all the important peopel–one for you, your main doctor, the hospital you’re likely to go to, and one or two loved ones/guardians who would get to you quickly in times of emergency.
- Get a recliner chair that can lift you out easily (consider this your next purchase when the current chair needs to be replaced)
- Eventually consider a bed that is motorized–this added expense really helps if you have back problems and can sometimes be covered on insurance
- Place tread on any slick floors inside or outside your house to avoid slipping
- Remove any throw rugs that might trip you–(you may need to do this later or if you tend to shuffle)
- Begin to think about your options if/when you can no longer drive–is there a senior van in your area? Friends/neighbors who you can ride with or will pick up a few items for you? Even consider a taxi–most areas have taxis (even if you’ve never used one in your area before, they’re probably there). Don’t sit at home and waste away–even if your eyes or your coordination begin to wane, you can still get out and enjoy life.
- Continue to be a part of your local church/temple. Make friends–you need them, and they need you! Churches and community organizations are there to help. Let them. Helping others make us feel good–don’t be so stubborn and independent that you don’t allow someone else to give and feel good. If someone is willing to pick you up to take you to Sunday School or choir practice–let them~ You still get to go to an activity (which is good for you), and they feel like they’ve helped someone. Win-win.
- Get to know your neighbors. You can all keep an eye on each other. Be nice to the kids in your neighborhood–they can rake your leaves or bring you the mail. Most children and even teens long for a grandparent and don’t get to see theirs enough. Wave! Smile, get to know their moms and dads so they trust you. Bake a cake and take it to them. Cultivate relationships. Old-fashioned neighborliness and friendship never grows old and is never out of style.
- Choose where you want to pass away. Hospice offers you the choice to spend your last few months/weeks/days at home and can offer palliative care (pain management). Most people choose to be in their own home and to surrounded by those they love.
- Hospice means that you have a life-limiting condition with a diagnosis or a year or less to live. Don’t wait until the last minute–ask for hospice. Anyone can refer you to hospice (including yourself or your physician). Also know that many cities have more than one hospice with varying levels of care and options. Check them out to see what’s available to you.
Bottom line:
Plan now. If you’re over 50, then you better start planning. Having a 401K isn’t enough. It doesn’t take care of the details and quality of life–and money won’t fix everything.
Adapt your house to suit your aging needs.
If it’s not too late, and you need to, move closer to family so that it’s not hard for them to drop by and check on you.
And…or…live in a community that is “elder friendly,” with lots of resources.
Stay involved with people. Accept their help. Give back any way you can. A smile, a hug, homemade cookies will get you lots of friends. Neighbors are important. Do more than wave. You might need them one day.
Stay/get involved in church and other community activities. The more plugged in you are, the more people you have in your life, the more your mind/body stays active. Staying active will keep you at home.
No longer driving is not the end of the world. Figure out how to make it work–taxi, community van, church members/neighbors.
Consider a roommate or a family member living arrangement. Just be safe, sign a contract, and do a background check. ( I know of several nieces/nephews who are young and starting out in life by sharing a house with an aunt or grandmother).
Get help when you need it–hiring day-time care is cheaper than a care facility. There are many great companies such as Comfort Keepers who are licensed, bonded, flexible and reasonable–usually less than $20.00 an hour.
Keep a positive outlook on life!
Smile, see the good, and find ways to give and receive love.
Carol D. O’Dell, and I’m a family advisor on Caring.com.
Check out my book, Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir, available on Amazon, other online stores and in bookstores. Kunati Publishing
My syndicated blog appears on www.opentohope/caregivers.com
Tags: adult children, aging, aging in place, Amazon, caregiver, caregiving, Caring.com, Carol D. O'Dell, community resources, elder care, family advisor, living at home, Mothering Mother, Open to Hope Foundation, parents, safety
If you’re a family caregiver, you can feel like you’re under house arrest for a crime you didn’t commit.
It’s not that you don’t want to care for your loved one, it’s just that you didn’t realize it would wind up feeling like that’s all you do.
If you’re not careful, resentments can mushroom.
This season of caregiving–when you can no longer leave your loved one “home alone” can be a difficult adjustment for a caregiver–especially if you didn’t realize it was coming. Maybe you thought you had more time to prepare.
For some, their loved one has dementia/Alzheimer’s and leaving them alone is dangerous. They could try to leave the house–or could hurt themselves. Hiring a CNA or other care provider has its challenges. There are other issues of trusting your loved one’s care and your home to person you don’t know. But don’t give up. There’s great assistance and resources out there. Be persistent.
There are many caregiving traps–maybe you watch too much TV, eat too much ice cream, or depend a little too much on sleep meds.
Do you feel as you’re falling into depression and can’t stop yourself?
You’re not alone. Caregiver related depression is all too common.
But you have to fight. You have to get help and get out once in a while.
Why? (You ask facetiously).
Because your life MUST go on. Because you need to get out, be involved in your community, make and keep friendships, make plans for your life and future, cultivate hope.
You need a plan.
Ask yourself, what do you miss most?
Is it simple things like going to the library? A walk in the park? Lunch with friends? Church or temple?
Pick one thing and figure out a way to make it happen.
Who do you trust to stay with your loved one a few hours?
Is there a neighbor or relative–or former care provider who could give you a short break?
Or–contact a reputable agency in your area. Consider a place such as Comfort Keepers who are licensed and bonded. Explain your loved one’s medical condition and personality.
As cantankerous as your loved one might be, and as much as they might fight having a new person care for them, don’t let them pitch a fit and manipulate you.
I have seen the most difficult person be won over by just the right care person.
Trust me, my mother wanted no one but me. She did all kinds of antics to keep me at home–from crying, pleading to drinking deodorant–not kidding (it didn’t hurt her).
My most dearest caregiver wasn’t someone I’d think my mother would take to–but her genuine warmth, sense of humor and professionalism won us all over–big time!
So don’t be surprised if your loved one likes this new person!
Start with one outing a month. No excuses.
This isn’t grocery shopping or picking up meds at the pharmacy. This time is for you. And when you walk out the door–leave it all behind. Trust that you’ve made a good choice and that your loved one will be fine. Don’t be over critical. Make sure the important things like meds are taken care of–but don’t get all fussy if they eat the last of your ice cream. What’s important is that your loved one was safe!
Even “happy” is optional. Realize you might not be able to make them happy–especially if they don’t chose to be. It’s time to think a little about your own happiness. That’s okay, it’s even more than okay.
Your loved one needs a break from you, too.
You’re not always a picnic, ya know. They need a different face, voice, and mannerism. It can be refreshing. Don’t be surprised if you feel a twinge of jealousy. Take it as a complement though–you picked a good person.
For all the hours and days (and weeks) when you can’t leave the house:
Change your stinkin’ thinkin’!
What if you considered being home a gift? Look around. Most of us have unread books, unfinished art projects, unpainted rooms, weeds to pick, recipes to try–is it so bad to be at home? Not if adjust your attitude.
If you have to be there, then really be there.
Be in the moment. Make your home a sacred, relaxing, inviting place to be. Start with one corner and make that corner special–a table, a photo, a flower. Spread out from there. A can of paint doesn’t cost that much–rearranging the furniture doesn’t cost anything at all.
Got a computer? (I assume you do if you’re reading this)
Then the world is at your fingertips. Visit a forum, look up your ancestory, download itunes and get some new music–write pen pal from around the world. The possibilities are endless.
Caregiving isn’t meant to be a trap. When done right, caregiving has many hidden benefits–and surprises.
~Carol D. O’Dell
Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
available on Amazon and in most bookstores
Family Advisor at Caring.com
