The best conversationalists have a great sense of emotional intelligence, are easy, approachable, mix humor and poignancy, and can slide from subject to subject at a blink. It’s got a lot to do with a deep sense of confidence. There’s nothing sexier, more alluring, more satisfying than to be with someone who “sits deep in their own saddle.”
Emotional intelligence has been defined as: “An ability to recognize the meanings of emotion and their relationships, and to reason and problem-solve on the basis of them. Emotional intelligence is involved in the capacity to perceive emotions, assimilate emotion-related feelings, understand the information of those emotions, and manage them.”
My middle daughter used to ride horses–and studied the art of dressage.
They call it horse ballet. It’s formal, in many ways, and when people compete at dressage, it’s very fancy–they dress in coat and tails–and a top hat. My daughter’s instructor used to tell my daughter to sit deep in the saddle (this is typically true for all types of horseback riding)–which meant literally to tilt her hips back and down, sink her heels as far down as possible, and plant herself in the saddle. I adopted this metaphor for my own life.
For me, it means to recenter myself, be present, own my own worth and where I am in life so I won’t get “bounced off” at every little bump in the road.
are privileged to be in a conversation with someone like that, then you leave feeling better about yourself–and you don’t even know why.
What’s this got to do with caregiving?
Everything.
When any of us feel our own worth, we attract goodness.
People treat us better because we exude grace and respect–for ourselves and others.
My mother had this–she felt her own sense of worth that Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s couldn’t take from her.
How do you become a good conversationalist?
- Take some slow, deep breaths before you enter a room or situation
- Envision who you will be talking to
- See the two of you at ease–engaged in a natural conversation
- If it’s an important conversation, plan out 2-3 points–no more
- Really listen. Pay attention to what they repeat, to their body language, to the way their face changes at certain thoughts
- Don’t play psychologist–no one likes to be analyzed
- If it’s a casual conversation–a dinner, get together with friends, then relax and be yourself. Don’t worry about every little word. Let others talk, but a little over-talking-interrupting is normal when things really get rolling. Forget how you look or trying to sound deep or witty and just trust your natural instincts.
- Don’t play the “one up” game–that’s when they tell story about being st or hurt–and then you ”one up” them by telling a story about something worse that happened to you
- Ask open ended questions–ones that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no”
What about those difficult conversations–the one you need to have with your loved one?
Caregivers and family members have to eventually ask their loved ones some tough questions:
- Have you thought about what you’ll do if you can’t continue to live in your own home? Have you made plans?
- I think it’s time for us to plan for the time when you’ll no longer drive. Now that doesn’t mean you can’t still live at home or enjoy your same activities, but can we talk about some alternative transportation?
- How do you feel about a living will? Do you know what that is? If not, I can explain it to you.
- You remember we went to the doctor’s last week, and the doctor said you have Alzheimer’s. Do you have questions? I’d like to talk about how best to help care for you…
- How do you feel about hospice? Would you rather stay at home and have hospice here–or at a hospital?
- Have you thought about your memorial service? I know it’s uncomfortable, but I’d like your thoughts–how you’d like to be remembered.
These are difficult conversations, and the most difficult part is just getting started. Think about what scares you the most. Are you afraid they’ll get mad? Shut down? Refuse to ever talk about it again? That you’ll hurt their feelings?
