“Honey, Grandma Died” Talking to Your Children About Tough Issues
April 29, 2009 by carolodell
Filed under Caregiver Stress, Carol O'Dell, Contributing Authors, Featured Articles, Grief and Loss
It’s so, so hard to have to tell your son or daughter that their grandfather, grandmother, or parent has died. We dread it so much that we avoid it, but this is a time when our children need us to most. They need us to be clear. They need us to answer their questions.
How Do You Tell a Child That a Loved One Has Died?
Keep it simple. Use “died”, not “He is sleeping.”
Allow your child to express raw feelings freely or ask questions.
Answer questions honestly and simply. Do not go into detail, unless asked.
If the death was due to a violent crime, explain that they are safe now, nd you will do all you can to make sure they stay safe.
Offer a comfort object–blanket, doll, teddy bear. Even if they’re “older,” something cuddly can reduce anxiety.
If the body is suitable for viewing, allow the child to see your deceased loved one, if requested. Prepare the child for what he or she will see.
Tell your child what will be happening in the next few days.
Give your child choices in what to do. Some children want to go to school the day of the death–it’s comforting and feels “normal.” Give them a choice. Whenever they return, inform the school of the death before your child returns.This makes their teachers and classmates more sensitive. Most schools have a school counselor that can also assist and be made aware of the situation.
Reassure your child that he or she will be cared for and explain the plan.
Children sometimes open up easier if they’re doing something with their hands–playing cars or helping bake cookies–it can take awhile for them to feel safe–and they feel less on the spot if they don’t have to look at you but can pretend to be “busy” with their hands.
In the United States, approximately 4.8 million children under 18
are grieving the death loss of a parent.
Don’t Know How to Talk To Your Child: Here’s some Easy Conversation Starters:
I’m sorry your grandmother/papa/mom/dad/sister died.
What was your dad/mom/brother like?
Tell me about your__________.
What was his favorite food/book/thing you did together?
What do you miss the most? What is the hardest time of day for you?
I cannot know how you feel, but I remember how I felt when my __________ died.
Whenever you want to talk about it, I’m here.
I’m thinking about you especially today because I’m aware that today is your mother’s birthday (anniversary of the death, your birthday, etc).
If you don’t want to talk, we can still spend time together.
Words That Can Hurt:
“I know just how you feel: (Do you? Everyone’s sorrow is different. “You’ll get over it. It will be okay. Don’t think about it.” “Don’t cry. It’s not your fault.” ”God took him so he wouldn’t be in pain.” “Tears won’t bring her back. Be strong.” “Forget about it. You are the man/woman of the house now.” “You should feel: ….(proud, relieved, happy, sad, etc.)
Children May Express Grief Differently Than Adults:
Children have even a greater capacity to push away painful thoughts. Their emotions may experience highs and lows. They may laugh inappropriately–even at the memorial service. Don’t think this is because they don’t care. It’s difficult for a child to figure out how to handle their emotions. They may avoid sleep–or a teen may sleep all the time. They may zone out and not seem to hear anyone talking to them.
They may become clingy or panic if you’re not home on time or don’t pick them up on time. They may act rough or violent toward a sibling or friend. Defiantly disobey. Teens may become daredevils–drive fast, extreme sports, breaking and entering–anything to feel “alive”
They may even try to “test” your love.
When Do You Seek Professional Help?
When the symptoms (lack of sleep, depression, aggression) continue for weeks or months and grow in intensity.
When they can no longer function in school or around other people
When they isolate themselves for too long
When they become dangerous to themselves or others
They fixate on death, experiment on animals, or are exhibiting cruel behavior
What do you do if you suspect your child or teen is not handling grief well?
Talk to the school counselor, your pediatrician, or clergy
Get a recommendation for a therapist who has helped children through grief.
Don’t settle for just a prescription. Talking and expressing their emotions is crucial to the healing process.
Don’t go just one or two times and think your child is “better.” Follow through and be consistent.
The Best Advice?
Be patient. Expect some some highs and lows. Share your own grief journey. Listen. Reassure. Be there. Provide help if or when it’s needed. Let them know it’s okay not to be able to handle this all by yourself–we all need each other. Be understanding of yourself. You’re grieving too.
Helpful sites:
When Death Comes as a Shock, Natasha Richardson’s Family Faces Hard Times
March 20, 2009 by carolodell
Filed under Carol O'Dell, Featured Articles, Grief and Loss
Actress Natasha Richardson died yesterday–from a head injury. She fell on the bunny slopes while skiing with her son in Canada. She was 45. Her death comes as a shock to her family. As hard as it is to be a caregiver and watch someone you love die slowly, it’s even more heartbreaking to have your time cut short.
Her husband, Liam Neeson, their children, and all her family members are facing hard times. Consoling one another when you don’t understand yourself. The world just doesn’t make sense. You aren’t supposed to die at 45. You aren’t supposed to die from just falling down. She should still be here.
Shock is good. Shock insulates us when life makes no sense. I have no idea whether they had to make the decision to take her off life support or not. It sounds as if they did. That’s a tough, tough place to be, and it’s hard on families to know what’s best to do.
Even if you’re young and healthy, talk to your family.
Let them know ahead that if anything horrific happens, that you trust them to make the best decision they can. Let them know your wishes. (Check out The Five Wishes, a living will that’s in every day language). Encourage your family ahead of time to agree. Give your spouse, partner, daughter, whoever you trust–permission to take responsibility for deciding. As hard as it is, it’s even harder to get a consensus.
And, go ahead and write a letter to those you love. I have. They’re in the top drawer of my dresser.
In these letters, I tell my husband, my children, my dearest friends how much very much I love them. I encourage them that the best way to love me, to honor me is to live a great big wonderful life. Grieving is good. It’s necessary. It’s part of the journey–but then love me by living. Remember me by telling stories–and not just the nice ones. I’m flawed and complex. We all are. I remind them to be ordinary, be extraordinary, be yourself. Make mistakes. Forgive yourself. Laugh. Kiss hard and often. Take good risks. Make memories. Exert yourself for those you love. Believe in something. Change your mind. Try again. That’s life.
Natasha’s family has to grieve right now. They seem strong and loving, and our hearts go out to them. I hope they can hold each other and remember her. Yes, as unfair as it is, death can come as a shock. And for a time, all we can do is breathe and get through moment by moment.
Author, Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous Heartbreaking Memoir
Creating Memorial Services with Heart, Part of the Caregiving Journey
February 20, 2009 by carolodell
Filed under Caregiver Stress, Carol O'Dell, Contributing Authors, Featured Articles, Grief and Loss, Uncategorized
Creating a meaningful memorial service for your loved one is cathartic, and you don’t have to wait until your loved one passes to begin to think about what they–and you–want and need.
It’s a part of caregiving you’d rather not thnk about, but it’s the last thing you can do to honor their wishes and gather everyone around to reminisce, consol each other, and share precious memories.
Planning funerals and/or memorial services takes time, and you’d rather spend those last few weeks and days your loved one has on earth at their side.
You may find that planning your loved one’s memorial service feels good in a way. It’s proacive. It’s exercising a little bit of control, and it feels good to honor the one you love. Don’t feel like you’re giving into death, and only do as much or as little as feels right to you.
Have you and your loved one talked about cremation or burial?
Even if you choose cremation, there are options. For some families, talking about this, even with the loved one who is dying is somehow relieving. It feels good (in a strange way) to make one last decision together.
Here are some tips to help you create a meaningful service:
- Spend a few minutes envisioning what you’d like a memorial service to look and feel like–try to write or verbalize this to someone and then trust that the elements that make it unique will come to you.
- Pick a location for the service. Consider many options–while funeral homes and churches are many people’s choice, don’t discount other settings such as parks, a favorite restaurant, someone’s home, or a community center.
- If someone wants to help, ask them to start going through photographs, awards, special momentos that could be displayed or used in various ways.
- Consider different options as to use these photos and momentos–as a powerpoint/video shown at the service and set to music, displayed on a table, blown up as a centerpiece–one that really captures their joy, personality, or achievement (such as a military picture, family shot, etc.).
- Don’t forget that you can use movie clips, home movies or favorite movies–again, let someone else do this type of legwork.
- Have other family members think about music–you don’t have to go with traditional, you can incorporate rock, pop, country…whatever they loved. You can use this music as people enter, in the service, or as a part of the powerpoint.
- Start thinking about a poem, song lyrics, a funny saying your loved one used all the time. This can be used on the video and on the program.
- Let others start laying out the program–photos, a song or poem, a list of family members, a short funny/touching story, and other information can start being gathered.
If you choose to scatter your loved one’s ashes at sea, from an airplane or other location, then make a few calls. Depending on where you live, you may have to wait for this portion until later. There are also laws regarding this practice, and there are companies (charter boats, etc.) who can assist you with this.
One of the most beautiful services I’ve ever attended was on a sailboat with just a handful of loved ones. Someone played the guitar and his wife scattered his ashes behind the boat at sunset and his sister broke rose petals on the water at the same time. It was truly touching.
- Decide if this is a somber/grieving occasion. It’s okay either way. Sometimes it’s just heartbreaking–our loved ones suffer before they pass, or it’s way too soon. It’s perfectly okay to gather to cry, hug, and hold each other.
- You can have a funeral type service soon after they die, and a memorial service months or even a year later–after the initial hurt and shock has worn off.
- For others, this is a sweet, playful time. Make it your own and reflective of your relationship. Hire an Irish band, do whatever is right for you.
- Know that you can’t please others. Don’t get caught up in this vortex. Don’t even listen to the snide comments–and trust me, there will be some. Your family and friends will just have to understand. Let them talk, if they must. This is one time when you need to follow your heart.
- Ask someone who needs a job to do to contact out of town relatives and friends and let them know that your loved one may be passing soon.
- If you do decide on more of a memorial/celebration type gathering, then let people know. Some families prefer people to wear colorful clothing, that joyful music will be played and people are encouraged to share humorous stories. It’s helpful to let people know this so that they respond properly.
- If you’d like to forego flowers, then begin to think of charities that people can donate to–but do some research and offer website or address info that can be placed on the program or sent by email.
There are no rules. Create a memorial service with heart. There’s nothing more healing than to celebrate your loved one, your life together, and all that they mean to you.
~Carol O’Dell, Author, Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
- E-vites to the service is totally acceptable and a great way to contact people without trying to make a zillion calls. Again, a great job for someone who wants to help.
- Be aware that you may have a “dry run.” By that I mean that your loved one could rally around again. Don’t be surprised if this happens. After you let everyone know, get all sad, start to make arrangements–and then they seem to get better. (My mom did this and I felt kind of foolish). This is common, and in general don’t expect them to miraciously get better. This is often temporary, but of course no one can know for sure. All the work and prep you did can be put on hold and if you’re fortunate enough to have a few more days, hours, weeks, or months with your loved one–then of course, it’s a good thing.
- Many families and cultures have a dinner of sorts after the service. For some families, they like to get creative–I heard of one in Atlanta catered by the famous Varsity restaurant. The lady passing already planned and paid for it–and it was such a send off for her loved ones, and such a relief. Most people do something in someone’s home–a potluck. The point is, you get to choose–do anything you want. Cater it, serve deli sandwiches, serve filet mignon–doesn’t matter, just do what fits you and the occasion.
- Another special touch is to give attendees momentos–I heard of one funeral in which everyone received a baseball cap from the collection of hat’s the father left. What a better use of a collection that to share it with those he loved!
- Be aware that funeral/memorial services are people’s business, but it’s your time of grief. If you have a budget, then let them know up front that you have a maximum you will spend. Don’t get suckered in by allowing someone to use your emotions. While you want to make this special, you don’t want to pay for it for years to come.
Let people help, but don’t let them take over. You have the ace card, and if you need to be firm or difficult, you’ll be forgiven. You can’t possibly do all this alone. You’re going to have to let go of some of your perfectionist tendencies (and we all have them), and let others pitch in to make this day special.
State clearly what you and your loved one want, but then let others deal with the details. Creating a funeral or memorial service with meaning takes thought–and heart–and it’s part of the healing process of the caregiving journey.
“Grandpa’s Dying:” How to Talk to Children About Death
October 25, 2008 by carolodell
Filed under Alzheimers, Caregiver Stress, Carol O'Dell, Contributing Authors, Featured Articles, Grief and Loss, Uncategorized
Every day, a child’s mother, father, grandmother, grandfather or sibling dies.
When a child loses a loved one to death, that loss can have a profound effect that can even last a lifetime.
Emotional, psychological and physical trauma can occur and effect how a child views the world.
If grief is talked about and a child is given the proper coping tools, is surrounded by love and support, then the negative impact can be lessened.
How Do You Tell a Child That a Loved One Has Died?
Keep it simple. Use “died”, not “He is sleeping.”
Allow your child to express raw feelings freely or ask questions.
Answer questions honestly and simply. Do not go into detail, unless asked.
If the death was due to a violent crime, explain that they are safe now, nd you will do all you can to make sure they stay safe.
Offer a comfort object–blanket, doll, teddy bear. Even if they’re “older,” something cuddly can reduce anxiety.
If the body is suitable for viewing, allow the child to see your deceased loved one, if requested. Prepare the child for what he or she will see.
Tell your child what will be happening in the next few days.
Give your child choices in what to do. Some children want to go to school the day of the death–it’s comforting and feels “normal.” Give them a choice. Whenever they return, inform the school of the death before your child returns.This makes their teachers and classmates more sensitive. Most schools have a school counselor that can also assist and be made aware of the situation.
Reassure your child that he or she will be cared for and explain the plan.
Children sometimes open up easier if they’re doing something with their hands–playing cars or helping bake cookies–it can take awhile for them to feel safe–and they feel less on the spot if they don’t have to look at you but can pretend to be “busy” with their hands.
Don’t Know How to Talk To Your Child?
Here’s some Easy Conversation Starters:
I’m sorry your grandmother/papa/mom/dad/sister died.
What was your dad/mom/brother like?
What was his favorite food/book/thing you did together?
What’s the hardest time of day for you?
I can’t know how you feel, but I remember how I felt when my __________ died.
Whenever you want to talk about it, I’m here.
If you don’t want to talk, we can still spend time together.
What Not to Say:
I know just how you feel….I know just how you feel…my dog died last year.
You’ll get over it…It will be okay…Try not to think about it…Don’t cry…God took him so he wouldn’t be in pain…Tears won’t bring her back…e strong…Forget about it.
You are the man/woman of the house now…You should feel ….(proud, relieved, happy, sad, etc.)
Children May Express Grief Differently Tnan Adults:
Their emotions may experience highs and lows. T
hey may laugh inappropriately–even at the memorial service. Don’t think this is because they don’t care. It’s difficult for a child to figure out how to handle their emotions.
They may avoid sleep–or a teen may sleep all the time. They may zone out and not seem to hear anyone talking to them.
They may become clingy and panic if you’re not home on time or don’t pick them up on time. They may act rough or violent toward a sibling or friend. Defiantly disobey.
Teens may become daredevils–drive fast, extreme sports, breaking and entering–anything to feel “alive”
They may even try to “test” your love.
When Do You Seek Professional Help?
When the symptoms (lack of sleep, depression, agression) continue for weeks or months and grow in intensity.
When they can no longer function in school or around other people
When they isolate themselves for too long
When they become dangerous to themselves or others
They fixate on death, experiment on animals, or are exhibiting cruel behavoir
What do you do if you suspect your child or teen is not handling grief well?
Talk to the school counselor, your pediatrician, or clergy
Get a recommendation for a therapist who has helped children through grief.
Don’t settle for just a prescription. Talking and expressing their emotions is crucial to the healing process.
Don’t go just one or two times and think your child is “better.” Follow through and be consistent.
The Best Advice?
Be patient. Expect some some highs and lows. Share your own grief journey.
Listen. Reassure. Be there. Provide help if or when it’s needed.
Let them know it’s okay not to be able to handle this all by yourself–we all need each other.
Helpful sites:
I’m Carol O’Dell, author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir, available on Amazon. I hope you’ll visit my blog again.