Is This Your Last Christmas Together?

I Can’t Believe I Just Said That: How to Say the Right Thing to Someone Who is Ill or Experienced a Death

A dear friend of mine has cancer is awaiting a double mastectomy. Her family and friends have all gathered and I see the love and connection she has surrounding her. There’s hugs and laughter and even a few tears. But we’re still human, every last one of us that and all those prayers and good thoughts don’t keep us from saying something really dumb.  

Hey, I’m guilty too. I don’t mean it in a “I would never say something that stupid” way because trust me,  I’ve been known to say a few blunders in my day.

But I heard someone say something that made me cringe: 

“If this were going to happen to anyone, then God sure did pick a strong person because you have so much faith–it’s amazing.”

I wanted to smack that person on the side of the head like they do in those V-8 commercials.

I know what this person meant, but faith or lack of faith isn’t the point. You don’t get cancer because you’re strong enough to handle it. If that’s the case, then sign me up with the punies, wusses, and scaredy-cats while I duck all the terrible life bombs that get hurled at those “strong people.”

Still, my heart went out to this well-meaning person. We’ve all said less than helpful/cheerful things at just the wrong time.

Here’s a Helpful “What Not to Say” List:

• God knew you could handle it. (God ((and I don’t mean it, really)) was wrong)
• You’re so strong. (If I’m weak does that mean I don’t have to go through this?)
• Your baby/husband/child was so special that God took him (God gets blamed for a lot, apparently–no wonder we have issues with “Him.”
• I could never do what you do. (I had no choice)
• You’ll find love again. (Back off–I’m not ready to go there)
• It’s better this way. (Is it?)
• At least they’re out of pain. (But I’m not)
• He/She had a good long life–it was time. (Who gets to be the judge of that?)

   

So What Do You Say?

• • Sometimes nothing. Just a hello, maybe a gentle smile or hug–play it by ear and see if they’ve been bombarded all day.
  • If it’s appropriate, say, ‘I’m sorry that Bill died.” Don’t be afraid of the word, “died.” Or go with a simple, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
  • Let the bring up their loved one. Some people just can’t talk about it for awhile and others find it cathartic.
  • Send a card–tell them you’re thinking of them, love them, holding them in your thoughts–something about them. If you’re close and want to be more personal, then share a good memory–something in writing they’ll be able to keep.
  • Be sensitive. If there’s something you seeor they need, or find difficult doing, then volunteer to help them out–clean gutters, help them take items to the Goodwill, ride with them on errands–every one has something that’s hard for them to do alone.
  • Be there in the weeks and months to follow–grieving is a long process–and even though they have to go on with their lives, return to work and activities doesn’t mean they’re “over  it.”

  Finally, be patient. A person who has experienced a death may act erratic at times. They may be testy, nervous, or anxious one minute–only to be followed by teary, hot-headed or depressed the next.

I heard one person describe grief as if they’re wearing their nerve endings on the inside-out. Don’t take their mood swings personal. Listen well and be their steady companion through this difficult journey.

 What if you screw up and say something dumb?

Just apologize. A quick, “Hey, that didn’t come out right” will be quickly forgiven. Forgive yourself. Dealing with illness and death is really, really hard so cut yourself some slack. Treat yourself as good as your treat your best friend.  

It’s more important to try and flub, than to avoid.

“Grandpa’s Dying:” How to Talk to Children About Death

Every day, a child’s mother, father, grandmother, grandfather or sibling dies.

When a child loses a loved one to death, that loss can have a profound effect that can even last a lifetime.

Emotional, psychological and physical trauma can occur and effect how a child views the world. 

If grief is talked about and a child is given the proper coping tools, is surrounded by love and support, then the negative impact can be lessened. 

How Do You Tell a Child That a Loved One Has Died?

Keep it simple. Use “died”, not “He is sleeping.”

Allow your child to express raw feelings freely or ask questions.

Answer questions honestly and simply. Do not go into detail, unless asked.

If the death was due to a violent crime, explain that they are safe now, nd you will do all you can to make sure they stay safe. 

Offer a comfort object–blanket, doll, teddy bear. Even if they’re “older,” something cuddly can reduce anxiety.

If the body is suitable for viewing, allow the child to see your deceased loved one, if requested. Prepare the child for what he or she will see.

Tell your child what will be happening in the next few days.

Give your child choices in what to do. Some children want to go to school the day of the death–it’s comforting and feels “normal.” Give them a choice. Whenever they return, inform the school of the death before your child returns.This makes their teachers and classmates more sensitive. Most schools have a school counselor that can also assist and be made aware of the situation.

Reassure your child that he or she will be cared for and explain the plan.

Children sometimes open up easier if they’re doing something with their hands–playing cars or helping bake cookies–it can take awhile for them to feel safe–and they feel less on the spot if they don’t have to look at you but can pretend to be “busy” with their hands.

Don’t Know How to Talk To Your Child?

Here’s some Easy Conversation Starters: 

 I’m sorry your grandmother/papa/mom/dad/sister died.

 What was your dad/mom/brother like?

 What was his favorite food/book/thing you did together?

 What’s the hardest time of day for you?  

I can’t know how you feel, but I remember how I felt when my __________ died.

Whenever you want to talk about it, I’m here.

 If you don’t want to talk, we can still spend time together.

What Not to Say:  

I know just how you feel….I know just how you feel…my dog died last year.

You’ll get over it…It will be okay…Try not to think about it…Don’t cry…God took him so he wouldn’t be in pain…Tears won’t bring her back…e strong…Forget about it.

You are the man/woman of the house now…You should feel ….(proud, relieved, happy, sad, etc.)

Children May Express Grief Differently Tnan Adults:

Their emotions may experience highs and lows. T

hey may laugh inappropriately–even at the memorial service. Don’t think this is because they don’t care. It’s difficult for a child to figure out how to handle their emotions.

They may avoid sleep–or a teen may sleep all the time. They may zone out and not seem to hear anyone talking to them. 

They may become clingy and panic if you’re not home on time or don’t pick them up on time. They may act rough or violent toward a sibling or friend. Defiantly disobey. 

Teens may become daredevils–drive fast, extreme sports, breaking and entering–anything to feel “alive”

They may even try to “test” your love.

When Do You Seek Professional Help?

When the symptoms (lack of sleep, depression, agression) continue for weeks or months and grow in intensity.

When they can no longer function in school or around other people

When they isolate themselves for too long

When they become dangerous to themselves or others

They fixate on death, experiment on animals, or are exhibiting cruel behavoir

What do you do if you suspect your child or teen is not handling grief well?

Talk to the school counselor, your pediatrician, or clergy

Get a recommendation for a therapist who has helped children through grief.

Don’t settle for just a prescription. Talking and expressing their emotions is crucial to the healing process.

Don’t go just one or two times and think your child is “better.” Follow through and be consistent.

The Best Advice?

Be patient. Expect some some highs and lows. Share your own grief journey.

Listen. Reassure. Be there. Provide help if or when it’s needed.

Let them know it’s okay not to be able to handle this all by yourself–we all need each other.  

Helpful sites:

www.opentohopefoundation.com

www.beyondindigo.com/children

www.griefnet.org

www.childrensgriefnet.org

www.kidsaid.com

I’m Carol O’Dell, author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir, available on Amazon. I hope you’ll visit my blog again.

www.mothering-mother.com