Does Caregiving Stress Your Marriage? Grow Closer in Your Caregiving Years
April 1, 2009 by carolodell
Filed under Alzheimers, Caregiver Stress, Carol O'Dell, Featured Articles, Grief and Loss
Is caregiving hard on a marriage? It can be. But it can also be a wake-up call. Sometimes our marriage can be defined by what we’ve survived. Yes, caregiving was stressul on marriage–at times. I wrote in my book, Mothering Mother that I felt like I was a giant ice cream milkshake and each of my family member had a straw–and they were all sucking on that straw trying to get more of me. At times, one would pick up the glass and tap the side, or another would dig deep with the spoon trying to get the last drop.
That’s what it felt like–that I there wasn’t enough of me to go around. Sandwich generation moms really feel this struggle. But looking back, I also see what a rich and textured time it was in my life. Being needed is a good thing. Feeling “cushioned” or sandwiched on both sides can also be comforting and defining.
Did my marriage suffer? Yes, at times. It’s difficult to know how to juggle everything.
My husband got the worst of me. He got the sleep deprived, always griping about something, not very romantic or considerate–me. He knew when I came to bed, I might have to get back up in 30 minutes, and maybe even 3 or 4 times that night. He knew that if my mom had a particularly rough night that he’d “pay” the next night–with a frozen pizza for dinner, or he’d pitch in, do the dishes or take the girls to an activity while I sat zombie-fied on the couch.
But we made it through. He was patient. Understanding. Tolerant. I’m sure at times, I made it harder than I needed to by complaining. We create a lot of our own troubles. He’d hold me in the shower and just let me cry. My mom’s Alzheimer’s was hard–physically and emotionally. He’d wash my hair and towel dry me and I would still be crying. He’d pick my mom up when she fell out of bed or was yelling that someone broke into her room. He was firm when I needed him to be, kind when he needed to be.
Make Caregiving Easier on Your Marriage:
- Be a team. Don’t make each other the enemy. Stay on the same team. Tag team, take turns, help each other out.
- Don’t both of you be down at the same time. It’s pretty natural that if your hubby has a bad day at work, you make him a cool drink, you listen, and you encourage him that tomorrow will be better. If he had a rougher day than you did, then keep your mouth shut and let him vent for a change.
- Not trying to be patronizing to you guys, but my husband doesn’t “need” too much. If I smile when he comes through the door, ask him how his day was–and listen, give him something to eat )–anything, (or ask him to pick it up) and give him some lovin’ once in a while–he’s a happy guy. I’m glad I know how to please him. He knows what I need, too.
- Make time for each other–every day. I don’t care if it’s a walk to the mailbox. Hold hands and take your time. Sit together and have dinner. The wash, the dishes, the baths, the meds can all wait. Even if you have to sit in your mother’s room and eat frozen pot pie off tv trays, being together is what counts.
- Play! Flirt! Chase each other around the house and give each other towel snaps. Turn up the radio and dance in the kitchen. You may not be able to get away–so don’t use that as an excuse. Use that sense of adventure, imagination and humor and sexiness right at home. We used to sneak kisses in the laundry room–and it made me think back to our dating days and trying to grab a kiss without “mama” catching us.
- Keep that love life going. Now, I know, you don’t feel like it. But sex can be like exercise. I rarely “feel” like exercising, but once I get rolling, I’m glad I did. Do it any way. Maybe you can’t muster that 100% of the time, but your spouse needs you–and face it, who else in this whole world will give you what you need if not your spouse?
- If you lose your temper, say you’re sorry. Your nerves are bound to be raw. If you yell, snap, get sarcastic or downright mean–be quick to say sorry–and be quick to forgive.
- If you’re at the end, and your loved one is in hospice care, then know that this won’t last forever. Your life, your routines, your family traditions will all go on hold, and this is going to be hard, but get through the best you can.
- If you lose your way and your relationship feels stretched beyond its limits, or dry as a saltine cracker, trust that you’ll find your way back. Relationships are resilient, and caregiving doesn’t have to break it.
In the end, and caregviving does sadly end, you’ll be able to look at each other and say, “Look what we did.” Loving each other through the storms of life–the sweet times, funny times, and stressful times is really what it’s all about. And if you need help, seek marriage counseling. Hurts, resentments, misunderstandings build up over time–so get them worked out before they fester.
Sometimes you don’t know how good your marriage is, until it’s been tested. Is caregiving hard on your marriage? Sure. But you can stay together and even grow closer by the experience. Iit can also show you just how strong the two of you really are.
I’m Not Sure I Want to Attend a Caregiver’s Support Group
February 25, 2009 by carolodell
Filed under Alzheimers, Caregiver Stress, Carol O'Dell, Contributing Authors, Featured Articles, Uncategorized
I have to admit that I didn’t attend a caregiver support group while I was caring for my mom.
Not everyone is the “group” type.
I started full time caregiving back in 1998 and honestly, I didn’t even know caregiving support groups existed. I had decided that it wasn’t going to be to go and talk about my mother! Yeah, I’m stubborn.
By the time I figured out my way in “caregiving land,” my mom was pretty far along. It’s not that I didn’t need a support group. I’m sure my friends were sick of my griping and whining.
But honestly, what little energy and thought I had were used to continue to parent my children.
In addition to my mom’s meds, physical therapy, and every day needs, I also had to think about SAT prep, teaching my youngest how to drive, helping another study for a big test, making sure they attended a youth group–and my spare time was spent driving them or making sure they got to their activities.
And that’s the way it should be–that’s what it’s like to be a sandwich generation parent. Juggling needs.
But now I know now that it would have benefited me greatly to attend a workshop, conference or support group–at least a couple of times a year.
Caregiver Support Groups Help By:
- Giving you a safe place to vent
- To know you’re not alone
- To find out about your community’s resources
- To make short and long term plans
- Helping you understand what part of the journey you’re on
- To give you validation and permission to feel all that you’re feeling
I encourage you to do a bit of Internet browsing and find out what’s available for you–almost every city and county offers something–an Alzheimer’s Association meeting, an American Heart Association gathering, stroke group meeting or a hospice based workshop.
I also realize I had an aversion to caregiving groups because I didn’t want to face the reality that I was a caregiver. I didn’t want to slap that on a name tag. I was in my late 30s when I crossed that line from being just my mother’s daughter to also being her caregiver.
If You Do Attend a Group or Workshop, Make It Worth Your While:
- Talking to someone while you’re there and even exchanging email addresses or phone numbers
- Ask a question–chances are if you don’t know the answer, others don’t know it either–and would really appreciate your candor
- Get info, lots of info–and follow up, make some calls or check out various groups on the web
- Many home health organizations attend these workshops–you could find some great resources, so look around
- Begin to take pride in your caregiver’s “badge of honor.” Get educated. Help others. Be okay that this is who you are and where you are–for now.
The good news is, you can accomplish a lot of this online. There are chat rooms, forums, and even online workshops–so even if you’re an introvert, you can sit in your PJs and find a caregiving buddy as well as access to lots of resources–all online.
Go on, type in caregiver support group and the name of your city or area. Find out what’s available.
Join an online group, or just call up a good friend–caregiving support has many faces.
Author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
Who Says Halloween’s Just For Kids? Easy Tips for Caregivers and Their Loved Ones to Enjoy the Fall Festivities
October 30, 2008 by carolodell
Filed under Alzheimers, Caregiver Stress, Carol O'Dell, Contributing Authors, Featured Articles, Grief and Loss, Uncategorized
You’re never too old for Halloween.
It’s a fun fall festivity that should continue long after our toddlers have flown the nest.
Life brings many challenges–disease, financial difficulties–and the best way to counteract all this doom and gloom is with a boo!
Our elders really get a kick out of Halloween. They love to see the kids dress up and enjoy handing out candy, or at least watching the parade of adorable angels, fairies, pirates, and ghosts walk by.
So go to a little trouble. Why?
You argue that you’ve got enough to do being mom or dad’s daughter/son–and caregiving?
Because you need to play, to smile, and to take a break. You give your elder such a gift to loosen up every once in a while, help them remember a special time–as a child or as a parent–and to reconnect on a totally different level than pills and doctor appointments.
Easy Ways to Enjoy the Fall and Halloween Season:
- Pick up a pumpkin at the grocery store. Even if you don’t cut it, it’s still pretty sitting on the front porch.
- Decorate your house with a few spooky bats. Use some black construction paper or even use some purple, red, or green wrapping paper–who says bats have to be black?
- Hang a ghost from a tree–all you need is a sheet and two black eyes and some string.
- Buy a witch’s hat at a discount store and walk around with a broom and cackle. Your mom or dad will perk up, I promise, if you greet them with their afternoon meds as a witch!
- Splurge on a little Halloween candy. Get something your mom or dad can eat. A couple of marshmallow pumpkins won’t hurt anything. We all have a sweet tooth–at any age. My mom had a thing for Little Debbie snacks–and I couldn’t help but let her enjoy herself with a couple of swiss cake rolls every once in a while.
- Plan ahead, bundle up your senior, and either sit outside or near the front door and pass out candy.
- Light some candles or even string a few Christmas lights around your door–you can leave them up for the next two months and they give off a nice glow.
- Make it a point to meet a few of your neighbors. If you don’t know your neighbors, you need to–and what better way to strike up a conversation than over a cup of hot cider or commenting on how cute their kids are.
- Do you know that young couples miss their grandparents and would love a surrogate grandpa or grandmother for their kids to look up to?
- Let your mom or dad be the candy passer-outer. That will allow them to see the children’s costumes and they’ll enjoy the festivities.
- Consider renting a oldie–but goodie. How about the Bride of Frankenstein–or the old Dracula? If you mom or dad don’t seem to be up for being frightened, then try a little Planet Earth–the one about all the bats in the caves of Mexico scared me more than any scary movie ever could! For a G-rated film, try Charlie Brown’s Halloween Special.
- Make a pot of veggie soup–or chili. Mix up some cornbread and enjoy the fall chill in the air.
- If you’re near your grandkids, then consider going to their house and enjoying the fun. This is how you make family memories–and it’s worth the trouble.
Many elders have shared with me that it’s sad for them to not feel a part of life, to not participate in parties or events because people think they’re too old, and they aren’t interested in ”that sort of thing” any more. That’s simply not true! If you liked parties when you were younger, you still like parties at any age!
Even if they don’t act like they’re enjoying themselves, they might be and just not able to show it. Besides, you need a little pick-me-up as well. Participate in the season’s activity’s for yourself. You still need to be engaged in life.
I read this great short story once about a daughter who took her mom, who had Alzheimer’s, to a Halloween party. Her mom loved it–and totally got into the masks and charades and felt free–not to have to be one person or another–to be concerned with knowing someone, recognizing someone. For Halloween night, she could be anybody she wanted.
I have a favorite Halloween memory of my mom and I. It’s a bit unusual since I grew up in a strict religious household–my mom was a minister–so you don’t exactly think they’d buy into the whole Halloween thing, but she did. I’m glad she didn’t take it too serious because to this day, I still love to dress up.
I hope you enjoy this excerpt from my forthcoming memoir, SAID CHILD, which is the prequel to Mothering Mother. It’s about being adopted at age four, and my search for my birth family–and how I learned to love both my adoptive and birth family.
This excerpt is about my favorite Halloween memory:
Daddy had been in the hospital for back surgery on Halloween when I was about eight or nine years old. It was an especially cold Georgia Halloween night and I fidgeted beside his hospital bed, tired of coloring and wanting to go home and get on my fairy costume and go trick-or-treating. By the time Mama and I kissed Daddy goodbye and we made it out of the hospital and hit the cold night air of the parking lot, I realized it was long since dark. The cold bit into my chest.
“Don’t worry, I have an idea,” she said as she walked a little faster.
We hurried home and I moped around, standing on the heater grate, curling my sock feet over the metal edges for warmth. Mama burst out of her bedroom,
“Count to one hundred, and then come knock on my bedroom door.”
What was she up to? I did as I was told.
“Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred.” Knock, knock.
Mama cracked open the bedroom door. She peeked out with a sheet over her head,
“Ohhh!” She moaned like a ghost. I squealed and giggled.
“I am a Halloween ghost!” she said in a low voice spooky voice. “Would you like some candy, little girl?”
I ran and got my orange plastic pumpkin bucket and thrust it toward the door. Mama dumped in a handful of Bit-O-Honey candies. She leaned down and whispered for me to count to one hundred again with my eyes closed, and then go to the bathroom door and knock. She motioned for me to turn away as she ran to the next room.
Mama opened the bathroom door wearing Daddy’s trench coat and hat and a mustache she must have drawn on with her eyebrow pencil. I laughed until I fell down and then held out my plastic pumpkin as she emptied Bazooka bubble gum into it.
We ran from room to room and each time Mama appeared as a new character—a maid with apron and spoon in the kitchen, a lady in a evening gown and fancy hat in the closet, a little girl with curlers in her hair and a teddy bear when she emerged from my room.
Mama wasn’t so boring after all. As regular as a clock, she kept my childhood in order. She made sure I scrubbed under my fingernails and practiced my times tables. But she was also a mother capable of a surprise or two–especially on Halloween.
***
Happy Halloween–Get out and Greet Your Neighbors!
Author of Mothering Mother
Family Advisor at Caring.com