When Death Comes as a Shock, Natasha Richardson’s Family Faces Hard Times

Actress Natasha Richardson died yesterday–from a head injury. She fell on the bunny slopes while skiing with her son in Canada. She was 45. Her death comes as a shock to her family. As hard as it is to be a caregiver and watch someone you love die slowly, it’s even more heartbreaking to have your time cut short.

Her husband, Liam Neeson, their children, and all her family members are facing hard times. Consoling one another when you don’t understand yourself. The world just doesn’t make sense. You aren’t supposed to die at 45. You aren’t supposed to die from just falling down. She should still be here.

Shock is good. Shock insulates us when life makes no sense. I have no idea whether they had to make the decision to take her off life support or not. It sounds as if they did. That’s a tough, tough place to be, and it’s hard on families to know what’s best to do.

Even if you’re young and healthy, talk to your family.

Let them know ahead that if anything horrific happens, that you trust them to make the best decision they can. Let them know your wishes. (Check out The Five Wishes, a living will that’s in every day language). Encourage your family ahead of time to agree. Give your spouse, partner, daughter, whoever you trust–permission to take responsibility for deciding. As hard as it is, it’s even harder to get a consensus.

And, go ahead and write a letter to those you love. I have. They’re in the top drawer of my dresser.

In these letters, I tell my husband, my children, my dearest friends how much very much I love them. I encourage them that the best way to love me, to honor me is to live a great big wonderful life. Grieving is good. It’s necessary. It’s part of the journey–but then love me by living. Remember me by telling stories–and not just the nice ones. I’m flawed and complex. We all are. I remind them to be ordinary, be extraordinary, be yourself. Make mistakes. Forgive yourself. Laugh. Kiss hard and often. Take good risks. Make memories. Exert yourself for those you love. Believe in something. Change your mind. Try again. That’s life.

Natasha’s family has to grieve right now. They seem strong and loving, and our hearts go out to them. I hope they can hold each other and remember her. Yes, as unfair as it is, death can come as a shock. And for a time, all we can do is breathe and get through moment by moment.

~Carol D. O’Dell

Author, Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous Heartbreaking Memoir

How to Talk To Your Doctor: Getting What You Want and Need, for Caregivers and Families

Most of us pine for the days when we had home town doc who delivered us, knows everything about us–and cared that we stay alive. Not that most ever had that–but it sure sounds good, doesn’t it? As a caregiver to my mom who had Parkinson’s, heart disease, and Alzheimer’s, trust me, I’ve spent a whole lot of time in the doctor’s offices. I’ve gone round and round trying to get them to understand not only what my mom needed, but what I could handle.

I did a little research on-line to find out various ways to find a good doctor, and here’s what I uncovered.

What to look for in a good doctor:

Communication Tips for Working Effectively With Your Doctor and Staff:

• Repeat over and over: I am 100% responsible for my life. (And if you’re a caregiver, then you’re also responsible for someone else’s). Don’t leave your medical issues completely in someone else’s hands, even if those hands are attached to a physician. You should know what medications you’re on, what course of treatments you’ve agreed to–at all times.
• Chat with the staff and get to know them. Bribe them with a tin of chocolate popcorn or stop by near a holiday with a coupon to a local restaurant or coffee shop. Hey, it’s hard to resist someone who takes an interest in you, and that’s exactly what you’re doing for them. Ask about the picture of their kids, and use their name when you’re talking with them. This is just being considerate, but it comes in handy when you’ve got an earache and you call begging to be seen that day.
• Start out your relationship with your doctor by shaking hands (dressed), and looking him/her in the eye. Let them know that you’re an equal. You hold a job in your community (or you did if you were retired), and that you are intelligent and articulate. Without being bossy or demanding, let him/her know that you are expecting to be treated in a warm and professional manner.
• Go to the doctor’s office in a good mood! Be a sunshine to others around you. Be on time, don’t gripe about the little things, joke around with the staff–and watch how differently you’re treated. Take your knitting or your favorite magazine and get to know the person you’re sitting next to. Life is happening everywhere–even doctor’s offices.
• Write your questions down and keep them brief–but make sure you go home with answers. Also write down their answers or directions. Don’t expect their directions to make sense–put it in your own words and have a clear plan of action you can follow when you leave the doctor’’s office.
• Do your homework–go on the Internet, check out your condition and possible drugs, treatments, symptoms, and side effects. While some doctors find this annoying or intimidating, others (most) will be less likely to treat you like a two-year old. Don’t act like a know-it-all, but do be informed.
• If you don’t feel you’re being heard, then be clear. Ask a pointed question and make sure you get an answer. You have a right to know what’s going on. Start out asking in a firm and clear manner, but don’t give up. Restate the question and ask again.
•  Medicine has sadly become entwined with the pharmaceutical industry and we forget that there are other alternatives and compliments to drug therapy. Let them know what kind of patient you are, and state what types of treatments you’ll consider–or won’t consider.
• Consider holistic medicine as a complement to your main physician. Have you tried accupuncture for aiding in quitting smoking? Or for arthritis? Eastern based practices are now more mainstream than ever, and many of their benefits have been documented.
• Balance your caregiving responsibilities with the rest of your life. As hard as it is, we can’t center our life around one person–as a mother, daughter, wife, and woman I had to constantly weigh what was best with everyone. Some medical advice would keep you in a perpetual state of hospitals, doctor visits, and medical care and leave you no time for anything else. As difficult as it is to face, sometimes you have to say no.
• Write down your prescriptions and dosage and keep it in your wallet at all times. Don’t rely on the doctor or his chart–and realize that if you see more than one doctor and they’re not aware of the other’s medications, you could potentially have some serious drug interactions.
• Speak up if there’s error. It happens all the time. Dosages get written down incorrectly. The doctor orders another round of chemo and you don’t want it–or you can’t take that amount–or your insurance won’t pay for a particular treatment. Don’t get upset, but do speak up–remember that 100% responsible for your own life mantra I mentioned earlier. .”

My last bit of advice: Say thank you when you leave. Shake the doctor’s hands, and even if he or his staff act rushed or inconsiderate, then make it a point to show them how to be considerate. The amazing Maya Angelou said, “We teach people how to treat us.”

Caregivers have the added responsibility for being the health advocate for others. Take the initiative and draw the best out of those around you. Be responsible for yourself and those you care for. Have a goal, cultivate positive attitude and a spirit of gratitude. Generally, we get what we ask for, so be sure to state clearly what you want and need from the medical community.

~Carol D. O’Dell

Author, Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir